Every group leader deals with a strong character in their
group at one time or another. We all agree that setting boundaries for
group members is necessary for maintaining group health. But how do we approach
a group member that refuses to live within those boundaries? How do we manage
the tension between extending needy members grace and delivering truth?
Here are some ideas to help you manage the chaos that may
come from this character:
Be Ready.
Start your next group meeting reviewing the some of the
guidelines that are in the Group Agreement. Respect. Group members
should never say anything that will embarrass or undermine another group
member. Relationships. The driving force behind Life Groups
is the building of relationships. Authenticity. The atmosphere
should create openness and transparency among members. This is an environment
where others feel free to be themselves. Confidentiality. For
authenticity to occur, members must be able to trust that the issues discussed
within the group will not be shared outside the group.
Be compassionate.
Start with compassion. At first, it may be difficult to discern real need from
“real needy.” If you enter into the fray with compassion, your heart will be ready
to respond appropriately. Try to be aware that there may be underlying
insecurities that can be dealt with when compassion and grace are
offered.
Be aware.
Watch how the other members of the group respond to a potentially needy member.
Look for signs that your other group members are growing tired or detached from
the group. Look for rolling eyes, sidebar conversations, or even reduced
attendance.
Be prepared.
Needy group members tend to dominate group discussion. Look for an opening to
draw the conversation from the needy member and back to the group. You can do
this by simply saying to another group member, “What do you think about that?”
Always keep your ears open for a pause where you have the opportunity to bring
the group back on task.
Be assertive.
You’ll probably have to address the needy member. Because of low
self-awareness, needy members rarely resolves issues on their own. Be willing
and prepared to address the issue when the time is right.
Be quick.
Address the issue as quickly as possible. The longer it continues, the harder
it is to rein in and the more potential for damaging relationships inside the
group increases. Waiting also increases the likelihood that someone else in the
group will address the needy member in a less than ideal way.
Be discreet.
After you have reviewed to Group Guidelines you may have to
have a private discussion. Addressing needy people in a public forum
isn’t best. It drives them away and potentially causes more damage. It’s best
to address the issue outside of the regular group meeting. If it’s helpful, you
can bring your co-leader along for the confrontation. This lets the needy
member know that it’s not just one person’s opinion.
Be humble.
You want to balance speaking truth with a humble spirit. People tend to
discount what they hear from someone they consider self-righteous or arrogant.
Be accepting.
Communicate acceptance. It’s easier to accept a difficult truth when you’re
confident that they accept you as a person. If you’re not, then what they say comes
across as rejection.
Be sound.
Focus on adding truth rather than pointing out errors. People don’t abandon
what they think or believe just because someone presents a good argument.
Be thorough.
One conversation probably won’t resolve all issues. Be ready to have follow-up
conversations. Encourage needy members to go down a road of self-discovery. Let
them know you’re on their side and want to help them grow.
Be a leader.
Lead needy members to self-discovery. Preaching to them puts them in a position
to defend their beliefs or behaviors. Asking good questions positions them to
discover truth on their own.
Not every situation will be resolved in a desirable way. But
if you use some of these ideas, they’ll give your group a greater chance of
success. In the end, God is responsible for the outcome. We’re responsible for
our attitude and actions when helping lead our groups.
